Features Article

I write in the funny section of my school newspaper. This week's theme was the future, so I gave a brief overview of the coming decades.

2010’s:
- After a heated election between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama, Obama prevails and is re-elected. Palin’s running partner, Tiger Woods, claims that her poor public image held them back.
- Anticipating the end of the world, millions of people flock to churches and pray for forgiveness. Of course, the world doesn’t end even though some coked-up Mayans predicted its demise hundreds of years ago.
- Snooki from “The Shore” enters mixed-martial arts after realizing she has an iron jaw. She has a successful career that ends prematurely after a scandal revealed she had several dozen STD’s after hooking up with every guy from the Jersey Shore.
- Twilight “Old Sun” breaks all box-office records as millions of prepubescent girls camp out in movie theaters months in advance. The forty five minute movie features shirtless dudes running around and not much else.
- LeBron is traded to the Knicks, prompting all Cleveland natives to burn themselves alive.
- Exeter deems relaxing a punishable offence.
2020’s:
- Obama is re-elected for the fifth time after narrowly edging out born-again Christian Lindsay Lohan. Ralph Nader finishes in a distant third.
- Muslims and Jews reach peace in Israel. The peace ends ten days later after a heated match of ping pong.
- At her own funeral, Oprah Winfrey gives everyone attending a Ford Taurus.
- Harvard scientists discover that global warming is a myth. Al Gore is forced to watch Glenn Beck for the rest of his life.
- Rocky 13 is released. Sylvester Stallone makes his triumphant comeback starring as Rocky, a morbidly obese, decrepit old man who steps into the ring one last time. By all measures, this was the worst movie ever released.
2030’s:
- After USA defeats Brazil in the World Cup Finals, soccer becomes popular in the US. Just kidding. Soccer never becomes popular in the US, so don’t get your hopes up.
- “The Situation” is elected president of the United States. His success is attributed to his shrewd economic strategies, articulate speeches, and hawt abz.
- Only days after “The Situation” is elected president he legalizes steroids and subsidizes all hair gel manufactures.
- After one and a half successful terms in office, The Situation is found dead in a tanning salon. His vice president, Ralph Nader, assumes his role as leader of the free world.
- Congress quickly impeaches Nader and he is never seen again.
2040’s:
- In a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters’ corpse, the girls’ Chinese gymnastics team admits that they entered 4 year olds into the 2008 summer Olympics. Big surprise.
- Scientists in Brazil invent a successful cloning device, flooding the world with thousands of Ricky Martins.
- Scientists discover the cure for hangovers. Finally.
- According to a study sponsored by Playboy, masturbation is found to increase intelligence in adolescent boys. Men and boys of all ages across the world celebrate.